I get so frustrated trying to keep up with my blogging – I must not be good at it. I have so much I want to write about, but not so much I would never put out there for all to see. I try to be sensitive to others’ feelings – even my parents who would never read this – so when my emotions are in roller coaster mode, I tend to do a lot of sifting before I write, which often leaves nothing to write about! At least nothing of any interest. I start to write, but often wonder who in the world wants to read about this or that in my life. But every once in awhile I just have to write, whether it bores you or not!! Sorry about that!
About a month ago, Bill and I discovered that the FDA took our natural thyroid medication off the market – the one we’ve been taking for about 8 years! I had been taking synthetic thyroid for several years before the natural (Armour), and had never really had any trouble, but Bill really wanted me to get on the natural with him, so I did. The biggest difference I noticed was my thinning hair began to grow back in. Other than that, I just felt fairly good most all the time, as I pretty much was before on the synthetic.
Now that the FDA has complicated our lives – like we needed that! – we have to go back to synthetic, and the conversion from one to the other is difficult. I feel ROTTEN! I am tired, even when I first wake up, I am more emotional than usual – Bill loves it! – my head hurts often, my chest hurts and my heart beat is irregular occasionally (does that even make sense – irregular occasionally?) Anyway, I was supposed to take the synthetic for 2 months, go in for bloodwork, get any adjustments needed in dosage. I don’t think I can wait another month, though, so I am going in Monday. I told the nurse that I realize I live in a stressful situation, and some of this may be in my head, but it sure would be nice if an adjustment in meds could fix it!
Dannye does a weekly Bible Study with several of her friends, and decided this new one was a must-share with her family. So every Tuesday Dan, Amy, Jeanne, and Mama watch the video for the Beth Moore study “Stepping Up”, and I watch it (hopefully) that evening. So far I am lagging behind in my study, but should be caught up by this Tuesday. It has been an exceedingly hard study, but really good at the same time.
At first, I didn’t want to do it. I knew I needed it, but I was (and still am) afraid that if I seriously open up all my heart to the Lord, it will break in two, and the tears will never stop flowing. There has been so much going on in my life – stuff that is hard, but not anything like many of you have faced in life – but it is really difficult for me. I am learning that it doesn’t have to be the same pain everyone else has for it to be painful – we are all unique, and unique experiences give us pain. The Lord wants to use all this to draw me to Him, and to conform me into the image of His dear Son. At first, I was really scared of the pain, much like when I was a little girl and stepped on a board with a nail in it. It was horrible, but I was terrified of the pain that pulling it out would cause. I made my Daddy promise he wouldn’t pull it out if I let him see it (I had an 18″ length of 2 X 4 nailed into the bottom of my foot – he could see it just fine!) But when I lifted it up for him to see, he quickly pulled it out. He didn’t want to hurt me; he HAD to hurt me to relieve me of the pain.
My Heavenly Father loves me even more than my own dear Daddy, which I have a really hard time accepting, and He wants to relieve me of this burden I am carrying in my heart – if I will let Him. The problem is that in my finite mind, I can only see one cure for the pain, and God is not going to make that happen. My life will never return to what it was before we moved in with my folks. Bo’s family will still be in Minnesota, Pam will still be in Florida, Dan will still be alone in our home, Mama and Daddy will still need me, yet not really want me, to do everything for them, and I will not be living in my own home with my own stuff, my own yard, etc., etc. What I can’t see is how God can remove this burden without changing my circumstances. (And we wonder how those stupid Israelites kept forgetting all that God had done for them each time they faced a new crisis!)
I know all I need to do is let go of this burden I am holding so tightly to, and my dear Heavenly Father will remove it – how, I don’t know. I just know He will because He has done so many, many times before in my life. The thing is, pulling out this “nail” will hurt, and I am terribly afraid of that pain. Silly, huh? Even as I write, tears are threatening, and I am saying “No!” I told the Lord one morning as I was driving to work, “I know you keep all my tears in your bottle (Psalms 56:8) but you’re not getting these!” So I cover over the pain with busyness and go on.
This weekend I have committed to taking my place on my face, as Beth Moore puts it, and I know He is there waiting to remove this “nail” and bind up this wound so it will really heal, and not simply be covered over. I pray I will have courage!
God bless your day – I know He will mine as I give it over to Him!