What a night! Well, maybe I should say “What a day!” I went to work this morning as usual, but began feeling kinda yucky as the day wore on. First of all, it was gray, drizzly, and cold this morning. It also didn’t help matters that the boss had visitors (fellow investigators) at the office and I wasn’t sure if I should eat my usual snack, when I should leave, should I play waitress and serve coffee??? My orange that I finally decided to eat tasted terrible. My computer has begun to run really slow, which makes drawing a diagram of a fire scene next to impossible. And then, when I did finally leave to go weigh in, I hadn’t lost any weight! I hadn’t gained any, either, but I was vexed, to say the least! Plus, in order to jump-start my metabolism again, they put me on “Parsley Days” which means for 2 days I eat no carbs (except 1 grapefruit/day) and a bunch of parsely with my meat and lettuce. OH. BOY.
I finally got home (after stopping at the store to buy parsley) to find Mama in awful pain – again. Her shots not only did nothing to help the pain, it seems to be worse! Jeanne said Mama had a terrible day of pain and confusion, and it was pretty obvious by her face. Jeanne had to leave pretty quickly after I got home, and Bill got home only to turn around to go visit his folks, so the three of us settled in for the evening. I really didn’t feel well, but there was no sense in pretending someone else was going to cook supper, and care for Mama and Daddy’s needs this evening, so I got up and got busy.
While I was cooking, we watched Wheel of Fortune; then, since the Astros were off tonight I began searching for something to watch that would entertain all of us. I don’t necessarily need to watch television, but I will admit to having a really difficult time listening to my Mama moan and groan for hours on end. She isn’t always loud, and most of the time doesn’t realize she is doing it, but with almost every breath there is at least a sigh, but often a moan or groan. It’s not awful – it just begins to wear on you after awhile. If the TV is on she doesn’t seem to do it as much – perhaps her mind is somewhat engaged, I don’t know. Perhaps I just don’t hear it, but I do think she does it less.
Anyway, I saw that The Oak Ridge Boys were in concert on one of the cable channels we get, so I turned it on. I love The Oak Ridge Boys, especially the old stuff and their gospel songs. I knew Daddy might enjoy listening to them, and Mama is so sweet and easy about stuff we want to do – unless there is language or sensual dress. She doesn’t put up with that! That’s the main thing that has kept me from getting hooked on Dancing with the Stars!! Mama watched it once with me and all it took was seeing the girl dancers’ clothing to put a stop to that!
Back to The Oak Ridge Boys…I told Mama and Daddy that I was just going to see if they would sing “Elvira”. It’s one of mine and Daddy’s favorites!! The Oak Ridge Boys have gotten old, but they are still really good. And after several oldies and a couple of new songs, they did indeed sing “Elvira”!!! That song just makes me smile!! Daddy and I agreed that it would be on our head for days!!
Mama took a downward turn again this evening. For awhile, she seemed to be handling the pain better, but as she got ready for bed she lost whatever it was that was helping her. The pain seemed to be too much for her to bear, and she became somewhat confused as well. I had to get her undressed again because after putting her nightgown on, she took it back off and began putting her underclothes on again while I was getting my jammies on. I made her lie down and then I stayed in her room and talked with her for awhile and she seemed to relax. I came on to bed, but I’ve been listening for any sound of movement on the monitor – nothing in the last hour. It seems to ease her mind when I tell her she can just call my name and I can hear her on the monitor. I’m thankful she seems to be resting now. After I came over to my room I texted Jeanne the latest events, then called her to fill in the details. We are both so very worried about her. There is just something inside both of us that screams, “Surely someone can do something to help ease this horrible pain!” Neither of us entertains the thought of her ever getting better mentally, although less pain would certainly help some. We simply cannot stand to see her hurting like she is. It really causes us anxiety for the future – how long can we handle her? What will we do if/when we CAN’T handle her?
I was telling Emily just today that this [situation] is exactly what God uses to remind us of our great need of Him. How self sufficient we think we are! Yet how needy we really are!
I had another thought today about these trials: I regularly ask the Lord to do a work in my life so that if/when I am in the state my mother is in, my caregivers will see Jesus, and not a bunch of stored up ugliness! There was a song that really spoke to me back in the ’80s that said, “One day Jesus will call my name, and as days go by, I hope I don’t stay the same. I want to get so close to Him that it’s no big change, On that day that Jesus calls my name.” That has been my prayer for years, but as I care for my parents, and see their behavior in their old age, those prayers are renewed with a vengence!
Anyway, as I was thinking about this prayer, it dawned on me that perhaps these trials – this caring for people who can be at times ugly, ungrateful, suspicious, even hateful to each other – these trials are the very thing that the Lord is using to purge the same sins out of my own heart! Perhaps instead becoming angry at them for their ugliness, if I looked into my own heart and worked on what the Lord is exposing there – just perhaps I would a) be at peace, and b) be more loving toward my parents! What a novel thought!!!!!
Tonight my prayer has changed. Tonight I began praying that I would see my own heart during these trying events, rather than fearing I will become like them. How self righteous I can be!
Before I close, I want to be sure to clarify that my parents are not horrible and hard to handle. For the most part, and especially when my behavior is good, they are sweet and relatively easy to be with. I have seen problems some caregivers face, and we have little if anything to complain about. I don’t want to dishonor them by giving the wrong impression. I’m simply concerned about showing forth Jesus in my old age; well, at every age! I want my parents to see Jesus in me now, too!
This is way too long. I haven’t written in awhile, and I guess I had it stored up! I have another Senior Session to show you, but it will have to wait until next time!
So, I’m fine… How are you?
God bless your day!