The Loosing of Knots….


As I begin writing, my stomach is in knots; but I know as I write, the knots will loosen and eventually go away.  So here goes!

Mama is not having good days – basically none at all.  Her quality of life is what has diminished more than anything, really.  She doesn’t like anything about life right now.  Until recently, Mama has been able to find contenment – even joy on occasion – in different aspects of her life, despite her pain and confusion.  Lately, though, Mama is miserable.  Completely, totally miserable.

That is partially why my stomach is knots.  Mama’s misery is not a quiet, internal one.  By turns, she cries, moans, wails, or throws a tantrum.  It is a little like trying to sleep when there is no sound but the steady drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet.  There is never silence unless she is sleeping.  It is just so … wearing!  The continual control of my own attitude is wearing, as well!

We’ve had to have more and more serious conversations about the next step on this road of elder-care we are on, whatever that next step is!  My brother Dave, Jeanne and I were all together for a bit today, as well as Jeanne’s son Michael,  precious daughter-in-law Amy, and my Dannye Reigh.  We talked about hospice, what that actually means or doesn’t mean (we don’t really know, but discussed some things we’ve been told), and whether it is time for that.  Mama’s doctor spoke of it, and since Mama’s fall, it seems more apparent that we are quickly approaching, or perhaps already are to the point of needing that kind of help.  Mama should truly be supervised all night long, as she does still try to go to the bathroom by herself, and has been known to move around her room at night, although not since the last fall.  Mama is rapidly forgetting how to do many of the things she could still do just 2 weeks ago.  She is also losing strength so that even standing up from her bed and moving 2 steps to her bedside potty are almost too much for her. 

Jeanne has a good friend who is a hospice nurse in another state, and she has given Jeanne a wealth of information.  We are now seeing what, if any, of this info will translate in our area to help us out.  We also remembered a very dear friend who has been involved with hospice work here, and Jeanne is in contact with her on Facebook.  We hope to find out some local stuff, as well as get back in touch with Mama’s doctor.  I think this is another reason my stomach is in knots.  I am having a really difficult time releasing the care of Mama to someone else, and facing the reality of losing her possibly sooner rather than later. 

I’m exhausted, tired of living in a junky room in a little bitty trailer, wishing I had the freedom to do what I want to do…. yet I am violently rejecting the thing that can put my life back into some kind of normalcy.  I know it is going to happen.  I know God’s grace will be sufficient for our heartache and whatever else we have to face.  I even know that I will find joy again and go on with my life.  I am just having a hard time facing the pain and emptiness I know will come with Mama’s death.  And right now it seems to be staring me right in the face!

I have always done my best to avoid negative, sad, hopeless sounding posts.  I don’t want this one to be negative.  I do have hope.  I do know my Lord is bigger than all this we are facing.  Ironically, I just told Mama that we both must choose joy, because we know the Lord has brought us to this place, and He only gives good gifts.  This post causes one to think I need to heed my own advice!

Perhaps, as a former pastor once told me, the most spiritual thing I can do right now is SLEEP!  That could only help!

I truly covet your prayers, specifically that I will see the beauty of God’s hand in my situation NOW rather than being so overwhelmed that all I can see is the sadness.  “To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.”—Isaiah 61:3

Wow, just reading that verse a couple of times has begun to restore my joy!  The Word is indeed powerful!!

I’m off to bed now.  Bill is just about done with his work, so the lights will be going off momentarily.  I think I’m ready!

God bless your day – He sure blessed mine just now!

 

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About pettybunch

I am loved with God's everlasting love, and underneath are His everlasting arms - and I haven't gotten over it yet! I am also blessed to be married for over 36 years to the man of my dreams, and have 3 incredible adult children, an amazing son-in-law, a wonderful daughter-in-law, and SEVEN grandchildren: four precious granddaughters, three handsome grandsons - so far. I am a retired Home Educator, and loved every moment of it! We are empty nesters, and are endeavoring to embrace this new phase of life. God is so good!
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19 Responses to The Loosing of Knots….

  1. I’m so sorry for all your pain. My mom is fighting the same struggles and it is heartbreaking to watch her. My grandfather is now under Hospice care but not 24 hour care. They visit daily and are available to come to our aid should we need them at any time. There is a Hospice House we could have moved him to but opted not to do that as he wanted to be at home. I’m glad that you know that you will find joy once again, my mother hasn’t been able to come to that realization. I will be praying for you, for your momma and for your entire family. Pain and suffering is a horrific thing to endure and to have to sit back and watch it totally helpless is no easy task. When the mind starts going, the joy of their life is taken away. With my grandfather, his mind has been good up until recently. Now, he suffers a lot of confusion and quite honestly, his quality of life has been reduced dramatically. Hang in there, lean on family and God. You have many prayers from my end.

  2. I am praying for you!  As you know, we made the nursing home decision early on, and that worked for us.  I can’t imagine having done the care you are doing 24/7 and I admire you for it!  Here are some things to think about when you consider Hospice care, however that may be in your situation:  Would your mother, if she were of sound mind, want you to put yourself through this on a daily basis now, or would she want you to have help?    Would your mother benefit from having someone else there – where there are shifts of people who are there, fresh and ready to go, paying attn only to your mother’s needs?    Will you be better able to manage your own family as well as your parents if you aren’t involved daily in her care but are able to see it all from a rested, more objective perspective?     And when your mother dies, no matter what you decide about her end-of-life care, do NOT allow yourself to feel guilty about anything at all – that guilt comes SOOOO readily!!  You have done the very best you can do and have given your mother a quality of life that seems beyond humanly possible!  And then you can focus on the JOY of knowing that she is completely healed and walking with the Lord!!!

  3. Abbiegirl says:

    I’m so sorry for what your going through… you have my prayers, and my love ❤

  4. ABAHM says:

    My love and prayers are with you!  I do not think this is an overly negative post.  You expressed the needs in your life at this time, and I can totally understand.  When you are in the midst of it, finding help, making decisions, and needing sleep are difficult.  I am praying the Lord leads you to the situation that is right for you.  So thankful for the Lord’s word…it is life!Grandpa Bill has been doing so well, and so much more content this last year while  in care.  He is now slowing down so much more, and it saddens us. My hubby has been visiting his dad a lot more.  I have to take him to the doctor today for a pre-surgery appointment.  He has a huge skin cancer.  It cannot be left, yet, I hate the risk involved in removing it.  But for today, I just hope I can get him to the doctor and back, and help him to be content!  Your post encourages me to bring along some verses.  I have been praying.  Love, Jenny 

  5. Bettyeboop says:

    Your friend, Piecedtreasures, knows of which she speaks.  Do more than read her words, ponder them.  Read them with your heart.  You seem to be wrapping so much into one package.  First, you know there is nothing you can do to postpone your mama’s passing.  Only God knows the date for that.  Second, there comes a point with this disease where Chloe can no longer seek joy.  She can’t seek strength for her legs.  She is unable to reason so she can not see that she will feel better with joy in her heart.  All this is from this insiduous disease, not from Chloe herself.  You know this on a rational basis but the reason cometimes cannot compete with the emotional.  Remember, she will not get better; only worse.  You are blessed that she still knows who you are.  If she is slipping this fast, she will not be able to know that much longer.  The pain is deep and sharp.  No one wants to believe that their mother no longer recognizes them or even remembers they were ever born.  It is the most hurtful thing you can imagine.  It will help to prepare yourself now.  Try to accept the changes daily.  Tell yourself there is nothing you can do to change what is happening.  It is also not your fault, nor anyone’s fault.  Sometimes doing the best for someone is allowing someone else with more resources and expertise to do it.I love you so very much, dear sister, and you deserve to have joy in your life.  Your friend above is right when she says you have more people to consider than just your mama.  You can do the best for her and still do the best for the other people in your life.  You must think of the things Dan needs from you right now.  How wonderful would it be if you could live a few steps from her little house.  Think of the freedom to devote more time to your grandchildren.  Creating for them, talking to them on the phone, planning visits to see them.  None of this means neglect for Chloe.  She needs the constant care you will kill yourself trying to give her.  I told Marty a few minutes ago after I read your post to him that I want to tell him now while I am still basically in my sound mind that when I am old enough to become a burden (more of a burden-ha), do what is best for everyone concerned, not just for me.  Do not listen to things I may say at that time about not wanting to be put anywhere else.  I want the best care for me.  ha  That will usually come from a good home or hospice.  Why don’t you call the local hospice and ask your questions directly to them.  That way you will get the straight facts and correct answers.  Susie still blesses Hospice daily for all they did for John and her sister and the support and help it gave her.  You are all in my prayers.  I love you so.

  6. pettybunch says:

    @fortheloveofblogging – Thank you for your caring thoughts!

  7. pettybunch says:

    @piecedtreasures – I so appreciate your words.  Of course, you are right.  I know the Lord will give me strength, and I am thankful for friends like you that have “gone before” on this road.  I am really praying I will focus on the JOY!!

  8. pettybunch says:

    @ABAHM – The Lord sure has continued to minister to me through the words of Isaiah 61:3, and I am so thankful His Word is so powerful!  Thank you for your love and prayers, Jenny!

  9. pettybunch says:

    @Bettyeboop – I seriously thought as I read Donna’s (piecedtreasure) comment, “Bettye will agree with every word of that!!”  I so appreciate Donna, and you, for that kind of encouragement.  I know you are praying, and we sure need those prayers, as we find answers to our situation.I love you so much, too!

  10. Such wise words spoken here, Mama. So much wisdom shared. Please, please, PLEASE listen. (Not that you’re stubborn or anything…;)…) I know y’all will make the best, most prayer-covered decisions that you possibly can, and I want you to know that we trust you (and Dad and Gen and Uncle Dave and Granddad!) Love you so much—and when are we scheduling your weekend up here? I think January is far too far away. ((hugs)) from me and your son and your grandbabies!

  11. pettybunch says:

    @sunshinejoy717 – Me?  Stubborn??  Thank you for always letting me talk your ear off!  Much needed release!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  12. Mottsngbury says:

    Nina, you know how I feel about all you & Jeanne are going thru.  We’ve talked about htis before. It hurts more than anyone not going thru it can ever imagine. I love my mama so much but could never have done what you are doing. It’s aging you, my sweet sister……….and you may not be aware of that. You’ll make the right decision but don’t keep putting it off. Have you discussed any of this w/Daddy?? What are his feeling about it??  I love you all so much & I hurt for you all!!!

  13. pettybunch says:

    @Mottsngbury – We have talked to Daddy about it, and he seems to understand.  He is so sad, but can hardly bear to see Mama suffering.  He is very much for getting help, as long as Jeanne and I stay as we have been. We will get the ball rolling, hopefully this week.  I promise!!

  14. Praying for all of you! Love you, Aunt Nina!!!

  15. Bettyeboop says:

    I know you have to feel a little dumped on, even though you know how much we all love you and Gen and worry about you.  But when all those around you are saying, “Do it, do it!”, you have to feel like you are pushed into a corner with everyone yapping at once.  I am sorry for that.  And we do love you all so much and truly are thinking of what is best for Chloe, as well as you.  There are so many people affected by this situation.  Just get the facts straight from the source.  You can make better decisions quicker with less ramifications.  Oh, be sure to take names whenever you call and ask questions and to get other information.  Kisses and hugs.  Oh, Motts was so right in EVERYTHING she said.  Hint, hint.

  16. pettybunch says:

    @Bettyeboop – I truly don’t feel dumped upon – I’m the person that NEEDS this kind of encouragement!!  I’ll admit that it’s really hard, but I know it’s time!  I’m so tired, though, so gathering information is very, very difficult.  Thre’s nowhere to store it in my brain!!

  17. momstranz says:

    Nina, please don’t be afraid to be sad and filled with sorrow.  There is a time for every season under heaven, and there is definitely a time to mourn, especially to mourn the loss of your own mother.  Permission granted to “feel” and to “grieve” and to “weep” and to “mourn”.  The time will come soon enough and God will replace those things, but he also takes us through them to deepen our love and gratefulness for Him and for one another.  Weeping doesn’t mean we have failed our Father.  It means that we have succeeded in loving deeply and passionately and without reservation.  And the weeping nights create the plowed ground in which joy is able to be planted and take root.   We love you, Nina.  You weep because you love, not because your faith is weak.    Much love to you and your family.   –pam

  18. pettybunch says:

    @momstranz – I love you, too, Pam.  I’m having such a difficult time, but I am so thankful that the Lord is truly giving grace, moment by moment.  This is really so hard – so many emotions I don’t know what to do with!Thank you for stopping by!  I wish I could go to lunch with you again at the Good Earth and talk and talk!

  19. momstranz says:

    Wouldn’t that be GREAT???   Here’s to tea together sometime soon.   –pam

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