As I begin writing, my stomach is in knots; but I know as I write, the knots will loosen and eventually go away. So here goes!
Mama is not having good days – basically none at all. Her quality of life is what has diminished more than anything, really. She doesn’t like anything about life right now. Until recently, Mama has been able to find contenment – even joy on occasion – in different aspects of her life, despite her pain and confusion. Lately, though, Mama is miserable. Completely, totally miserable.
That is partially why my stomach is knots. Mama’s misery is not a quiet, internal one. By turns, she cries, moans, wails, or throws a tantrum. It is a little like trying to sleep when there is no sound but the steady drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet. There is never silence unless she is sleeping. It is just so … wearing! The continual control of my own attitude is wearing, as well!
We’ve had to have more and more serious conversations about the next step on this road of elder-care we are on, whatever that next step is! My brother Dave, Jeanne and I were all together for a bit today, as well as Jeanne’s son Michael, precious daughter-in-law Amy, and my Dannye Reigh. We talked about hospice, what that actually means or doesn’t mean (we don’t really know, but discussed some things we’ve been told), and whether it is time for that. Mama’s doctor spoke of it, and since Mama’s fall, it seems more apparent that we are quickly approaching, or perhaps already are to the point of needing that kind of help. Mama should truly be supervised all night long, as she does still try to go to the bathroom by herself, and has been known to move around her room at night, although not since the last fall. Mama is rapidly forgetting how to do many of the things she could still do just 2 weeks ago. She is also losing strength so that even standing up from her bed and moving 2 steps to her bedside potty are almost too much for her.
Jeanne has a good friend who is a hospice nurse in another state, and she has given Jeanne a wealth of information. We are now seeing what, if any, of this info will translate in our area to help us out. We also remembered a very dear friend who has been involved with hospice work here, and Jeanne is in contact with her on Facebook. We hope to find out some local stuff, as well as get back in touch with Mama’s doctor. I think this is another reason my stomach is in knots. I am having a really difficult time releasing the care of Mama to someone else, and facing the reality of losing her possibly sooner rather than later.
I’m exhausted, tired of living in a junky room in a little bitty trailer, wishing I had the freedom to do what I want to do…. yet I am violently rejecting the thing that can put my life back into some kind of normalcy. I know it is going to happen. I know God’s grace will be sufficient for our heartache and whatever else we have to face. I even know that I will find joy again and go on with my life. I am just having a hard time facing the pain and emptiness I know will come with Mama’s death. And right now it seems to be staring me right in the face!
I have always done my best to avoid negative, sad, hopeless sounding posts. I don’t want this one to be negative. I do have hope. I do know my Lord is bigger than all this we are facing. Ironically, I just told Mama that we both must choose joy, because we know the Lord has brought us to this place, and He only gives good gifts. This post causes one to think I need to heed my own advice!
Perhaps, as a former pastor once told me, the most spiritual thing I can do right now is SLEEP! That could only help!
I truly covet your prayers, specifically that I will see the beauty of God’s hand in my situation NOW rather than being so overwhelmed that all I can see is the sadness. “To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.”—Isaiah 61:3
Wow, just reading that verse a couple of times has begun to restore my joy! The Word is indeed powerful!!
I’m off to bed now. Bill is just about done with his work, so the lights will be going off momentarily. I think I’m ready!
God bless your day – He sure blessed mine just now!