I often wonder just why it is that I have a difficult time blogging anymore. I love to write, I love to share about my life, and I love to show off my grandbabies! So what is it with me?
Lately I’ve wondered if it’s because my “Pollyanna” has been knocked askew by the last 4 years of my life. My faith has not been shaken, but perhaps my ability to say with the Shunamite woman, “All is well” has been. As a middle-aged adult, more things seem out of my own control. And in these last few years, my self-confidence has been less than strong. I saw my Mama go through this when we kids became adults and had families of our own. I didn’t really understand it then. I was even somewhat condescending toward her. Now, however, I understand those feelings on fear, insecurity, doubt of my own abilities.
I am working on this area of my life. I am seeking the Lord daily as to how to be the best helpmeet to my husband. You know, that’s way different now than it was 30, 20, even 10 years ago! I am praying for my children, how I might best serve them and their families. I am also asking my Heavenly Father how I might best honor Him in my service of others – my extended family, my friends, and my neighbors. Through my daily time with Him, as well as His voice in my heart throughout the day, He is showing me slowly just who I am NOW! It is a slow process, but I am seeing His hand in my life at every turn.
As I write this, I wonder if I’ve written these words here already – ah, well, if I have, I have more to work on than I thought!
Family Day is an area that has needed adjustment for a long time. When Mama and Daddy died, Dave, Jeanne, and I clung to each other as though our lives depended on it. Even my Dannye Reigh was in the middle of this tight band – we consider her an honorary sibling – if you knew us all together, you would understand! Lately, though, both Gen (Jeanne) and I have felt somewhat choked by the demands of our lives (some real, some imagined) and Family Day was inadvertently a part of the death-grip. We talked occasionally about it, but never came to any conclusion, partly due to fear of another change. Both our husbands, I fear, felt somewhat out of the loop of our lives. We have been a very exclusive club, this circle of siblings. I need them, they need me, and nothing else seemed to be as important as keeping the family together. As time has gone on, we began to realize (through that sweet voice of my heavenly Father, no doubt) that oft times our spouses have been only receiving the scraps of our time and energy because we were expending an awful lot of both on our folks stuff, our siblings needs, and keeping Family Day going like it always has.
Now, my precious hubby LOVES my family. He has completely embraced them, and they, him. The problem hasn’t been my family at all! The problem has been ME!! Family Day was only a manifestation of my issue – I had made Family Day sacred, to the exclusion of Bill’s needs sometimes.
As we all talked through this issue – Gen, Dave, myself, Dannye, Missy, Kenny, and Bill were the only ones here today – we found that all three of us Sibs felt the same (or similar) way. Dannye and Missy were not feeling our pain so much, but were very gracious towards us old folks! So we talked it out, and have decided that for now, Family Day will be toned down to once a month. Those who want to and are able will still probably go to Starbucks for coffee and visits beside the lake on Tuesday mornings, but the all day event including lunch will be reserved for the first Tuesday of each month. There may be adjustments, but this seemed like a good starting place.
I admit to being a bit schitzophrenic about this development. There is a part of me that is jumping up and down, screaming “I’m FREE!! I’m FREE!!” But I think as much as that feeling, I have some fear. Fear that our family will lose its closeness; fear that maybe we won’t miss each other; fear that maybe I’m not nearly as important to them as I thought I was…
This all sounds so melodramatic. For goodness sake, we all live within 10 miles of each other, with the exception of Bo and Em, and I know we’ll see them often. Life just has a way of moving much like a runaway train, going faster and faster right by us. And as you can see, change is difficult for me!
For the part of me that is excited about the change, I am planning to study my husband! I’ve been asking the Lord to show me how I can bless Bill, and He’s been giving me little assignments that can be an encouragement to him. I know that blessing Bill will certainly give a return blessing to me, because I love seeing good things happen to my Lovey. I also know that a stronger marriage makes a stronger family, which in turn will bless our community. I am looking forward to that, as well. God has such good things in store for us!!
I’m not sure this has made sense to some of you. If you’ve read my blog or known me very long at all, you’ll likely understand what all this gobbledygook is about. I just kinda needed to write it out. I hope that’s okay!
God bless your day!